I went to Costa Rica with my hubby a few weeks ago. To celebrate our marriage, to get some time away from the kids, to dip my toe into a bunch of adventures and things I love. And I realized that my crap buddies that I deal with when I am at home, Mrs Feel Unworthy, MENOT Get Enough Done, Overwhelmed Mess, NEED more attention, and my favorite, FATTY don’t fit in her clothes…these fun little fellows travel with me.
Now when I am attached to my husband on a zip line 300 ft up going 60 miles a hour, I'm not really bothered by them. They’re having just as much fun as me. But when I roll my ankle on a rocky road during a basic walk down the street, and then test my husband's power of mind reading to get him to stay in and take care of me and my bum ankle on his birthday when all he wants to do is celebrate, those little guys start jumping up and down and having their fun.
I do a lot of daily work to get them to go away, or at least to not bother me for a little while, and while that is helpful, it does not always work. Genetically and early environmentally, I tended to depression, to overwhelm (HSP me), to perfectionism. While I now strive for joy, bliss, self love, mama goddess light, connection, and finding the amazing in the mundane, I cannot always be there. I used to fight it, struggle and strife, cry my eyes out, stuff my feelings with food, avoid people and situations. But that doesn’t help me find joy everyday.
Instead, when I am clear and take time to sort out how I feel, I know that these buddies of mine are here for a divine reason. I invite them in and see them for what they are doing for me.
When I feel unworthy, it alerts me to the fact that I am would like to be doing more, or the person that I am comparing myself to has something that I want or has done something I want to do.
When I feel like I'm not getting enough done, that’s my way of actually telling myself I need to focus, prioritize, and then be ok with letting everything else go that's not truly important (for the day, week, or a lifetime).
With Overwhelmed Mess, that means I'm not focused on the present, on the next step I need to take, and instead am looking at the enormity of everything I want to do in this lifetime (you get the point). It tells me that its time to tune in, breathe deeply, perhaps spend some time alone, reconnect with myself, and then define and take the next step.
Needs attention is a great one…she reminds me that I am not speaking my truth, not admitting to myself and/or others what I need, what I want, and how I want it. Stop testing and start telling is something I'm working on.
Fatty don’t fit…well, she is a big one (no pun intended). She reminds me that it's scary to be in the world and she protects me from unwanted attention, from having to be fully out there, exposed. She's a little bit lazy, and really hard on herself. When I sink into her arms, I feel bad about myself, but then I work to remind myself to be gentle. I work to remind myself to get off my ass, and move. I work to remind myself that I am (and she is gorgeous just the way I am, in every moment. And while being fully out there, fully alive, living in the moment, and inviting others in is really scary, its so much fun. And its so enriching.
My crap buddies all serve a purpose in my life-they help me meet my basic needs of love, safety, security. The important thing is not to run screaming from them, but to really see what they do, and how they help, and then create new, meaningful ways to meet those needs in a more beneficial, beautiful way…a way that allows me to lead, to be a role model, to feel joy in every moment, to ease into life, to create whatever I like.
Who are your crap buddies, and what do they do for you?